There were many nights when I lay there on my prayer rug crying uncontrollably. I was so lost.

Even though I had no words to describe my deep anguish, I knew that Allah understood my pain.

(Blog post written by our sister Jamilla)

“Your Lord has not forsaken you, and He is not displeased with you “

[Coran 93:3]

I was exhausted.

I was so worn out having to explain to people that depression was indeed a psychiatric illness that was medically related.

And no, depression is not a sign of a lack of faith (Al-Îmâne in Islam).

My rumination of negative thoughts was out of my control.

I was tired of explaining to my loved ones that saying “everything is fine”, “don’t worry” or “everything will be fine” did not move my boat forward. And that my worried and dark mind didn’t care.

If you suffer in your life from anxiety and depression, it does not mean that you are a bad Muslim or that you have lost all connection with Allah. Splendor of Her Majesty.

Even our Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings of God be upon him, had depressive feelings at times.

The Prophet’s morale was low as he received no revelation from Allah.

The Prophet was saddened not to receive any message from Allah and consequently worried about being abandoned.

It was only when Allah sent him the beautiful Surah Ad-Duhaa that the Prophet was revived. Allah, directly through His Words completely comforted the Prophet.

Let’s read together this beautiful Sura 93

Translated by dr. Mustafa Khattab, imam and university chaplain.

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Merciful.

One day while reading and re-reading passages from the Quran, this Surah revealed itself to me. Reading it gave me comfort and relief.

So, I remembered those days, when my tears soaked my pillows at all hours of the day and night.

In this waking nightmare, my sometimes greyish, sometimes blackish thoughts made me live through hell.

My mind, as exhausted as it was exhausting, was spinning at 200 km/h without ever really slowing down. The more I tried to slow him down, the more he accelerated. Driving ever faster on the highway of fear and misfortune, you end up crashing.

Sadly, I was the only passenger on board. My entourage did not understand my situation. It is true that the psychological distress is not too apparent seen from the outside. I don’t blame them.

In truth, I had become very good at covering up my sadness in public.

– How are you doing at the moment? Oh, that’s going great!

But inside, my depression continued to devour and irradiate every cell in my body. Depression is also very physical.

The more I sought to reconnect with my loved ones, the more disconnected and out of step I felt.

#lostinthisworld

Thoughts of suicide

Thoughts of suicide were racing my mind. Water flowed under the bridges and my situation still did not improve. Quite the contrary.

I was trying to talk to Allah. I asked him to remove this ever sharper pain. But invariably the desperation deepened in me.

Thinking never to see the light at the end of the tunnel again, I was about to give it all up.

But just before, I remembered the good old days.

This time when I was so strong and so solid. It was then his Blessing on me. At that time, he gave me the strength and the courage to face the storms.

But then why has all this broken inside me?

I stopped putting makeup on my soul

I realized that I was wrong all along.

In fact, all these years, I was insincere with Allah as I was insincere with my relatives and insincere with myself.

So I stopped putting makeup on my soul. I stopped lying to my loved ones, lying to myself and above all lying to Allah.

I confided in Allah, I told him everything. For real.

I begged Him, but this time with an open heart. Sincerely, painfully. But especially without filter and without special effects.

I let my eyes water. And I let my soul bleed, because I had finally understood that you had to show your wounds to hope to heal them.

Concealing and covering his wounds to the soul only aggravates the gangrene within. I finally accepted all of this.

Slowly, but steadily, I observed profound improvements in myself. My heart is gaining lightness every day. My nights become calm and deep again. How my days become peaceful and bright.

Sometimes small depressive episodes come back on the offensive. But today, the citadel of my soul is protected by the fortress that Allah has erected all around me.

From prostrations to deep conversations, I know that He accompanies me on the paths of complete healing.

Faced with the weight of life, speak to Allah. Speak to him openly.

Like the Prophet, I too understood that my Lord had not abandoned me, that He was not displeased with me.